Build Emotional Connection for Better Sex!

 Picture a loving couple: They’ve been through a lot together and they continue to move through life as a team. They used to have a great emotional connection. 

Despite their love, they have fallen into a habit of bad communication and negative patterns. They have drifted apart as their attention has become focused on daily life stresses, and their sexual connection has followed. 

The sex is suffering because the emotional foundations are suffering. It’s not a question of attraction, or even desire. To get that healthy sex-life back, they must work to rebuild their emotional relationship together.

emotional connection, Denver marriage therapyIn a long-term relationship or marriage, the quality of your sex life is heavily determined by your emotional connection.

In Part 1 and Part 2 of this series on 3 Steps to Better Sex, we talked first about sexual myth busting and becoming a well-educated sexual being. We also talked about how important your relationship with yourself is, particularly your sexual self.

In this last post on 3 Steps to Better Sex, we are talking about why a strong emotional connection with your partner is vital to a healthy sex life together.

Even for couples who have been together for decades, sex is still a highly vulnerable thing. In order to feel truly comfortable with someone sexually, you must feel supported, trusted (and able to trust), secure and appreciated.

When emotions are misunderstood, suppressed, or negatively communicated, it makes sense that the chance for loving, intimate sex will suffer.

The role of communication in better sex

One of the most important factors of emotional closeness is communication.

How many times have you heard a friend say, “my partner and I are just not communicating well!”?

Perhaps you’ve said the same thing yourself. You might be finding that little things are blowing up into big arguments, or that you both bury your concerns until they explode into heated fights.

This is not because you do not love each other, or that you want to upset the other person. Quite the opposite!

Neither your love nor your personal character is at question here. It’s simply a matter of bad habits and negative patterns which lead you further away from emotional closeness.

Common negative communication cycles and habits:

  • Blaming and finger-pointing
  • Withdrawing or withholding your feelings
  • Yelling and raising your voice at the other person
  • Referring back to the past and dredging up old issues
  • Criticizing the other person
  • Refusing to talk (the silent treatment!)
  • Growing defensive and eventually shutting down and emotionally turning away
  • Mind reading, catastrophizing or coming to false conclusions (i.e. thinking that your partner doesn’t love you)

If these bad relationship habits sound familiar to you, don’t panic! It’s actually a good thing.

It means that there’s something to work on and change for the better. What’s more, so many couples fall into these habits, we are all only human after all.

Why sex won’t improve without great emotional connection

Well, things rarely change unless they are addressed and explored. If you and your partner continue down the same path, following the same negative communication patterns, you may drift further apart on an emotional level.

You may find that your sexual connection becomes weaker and desire is even further out of your reach.

Another risk of not addressing your communication issues is that you can fall into the trap of misunderstanding your partner’s feelings and intentions, or trying to read each other’s minds.

By not communicating deeply, your true feelings and vulnerabilities go unknown.

Negative Cycles are the Enemy of Emotional Connection

For your sex life to improve, you will most likely you to address the negative communication pattern you are getting stuck in.

This is where we come in! We specialize in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT). Instead of throwing a bunch of communication skills at you, we sit down with you both and delve deep into your stuck negative cycles.

It’s important to remember that there is no blaming or shaming in EFT. You and your partner can feel safe and supported as we navigate your relationship together.

Nobody’s feelings or experience are wrong. However, we can support you to talk about them in ways that bring understanding, closeness, and yes, potential seeds of connection leading to great sex.

In Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy in Denver, we address:

  • Identifying your true feelings and finding ways to express them productively
  • We will get to know your communication patterns and where you get “stuck”
  • We will uncover any fears or “blocks” which might be hindering successful communication
  • Finding the subtext of your arguments (what you are saying versus what you feel inside)
  • Learning to avoid misconceptions and untruthful perceptions about what your partner is thinking and feeling
  • We will practice how to communicate in ways that foster love, vulnerability and true closeness, even during times of disagreement
  • We will explore your hopes and dreams for sex. How would you love to feel with each other, and how do you let each other know?

When your emotional pathways are open, there’s more room for your sexual experiences to grow and strengthen.

Why don’t communication skills lead to better emotional connection?

In EFT, we don’t just simply teach you and your partner a set of communication skills and send you on your way. Studies have shown that communication skills alone do not strengthen relationships over time.

Think back to your last heated argument; were either of you in the state of mind to turn to simple communication skills?

Probably not! When arguments arise, it’s very hard to turn off old habits in place of communication skills.

Sure, you might be able to articulate your chosen words better, but there’s no point if you’re not accessing and sharing your true emotions and feelings beneath the words.

Great Sex Comes from Feeling Emotional Connection

If you and your partner are experiencing a lack of sexual desire or sexual connection, we can help. By sitting down together and taking you through Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy in Denver, we can build your emotional connection solid and strong.

We will guide you through learning how to nurture each other and lay the stepping-stones toward a safe and intimate sexual connection.

We offer a supportive, non-judgmental and understanding environment where you and your partner can share, grow and thrive together, building the love and sexual connection you’ve been wanting.

Why wait to drift further apart?

Call us today at 303-513-8975 or schedule online, anytime to meet with one of our Denver Couples Counselors. Schedule Appointment

About the Author

Denver Tech Center Counselors specializing in Couples Therapy, Marriage Counseling, Pre-Marital Counseling, and Individual Therapy for Relationship Issues.

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