The changes that happen during perimenopause can be life-altering, but as a culture, we tend to avoid the topic.
Perimenopause is a time that’s not unlike pregnancy – hormone changes, body changes, a shift from one stage of life to another. While we openly talk about pregnancy, it’s a lot harder for people to discuss their experiences with perimenopause and menopause.
There are a lot of cultural misunderstandings and taboos that get in the way of us being able to openly discuss what happens during perimenopause, both for the person experiencing it and for their loved ones. There’s a sense of shame surrounding this time, which leads to people feeling alone or broken.
There can be so many emotional, physical and sexual changes and challenges during perimenopause that lots of couples can struggle to adjust in this season. It’s not uncommon for couples to divorce during perimenopause – in fact, one study cited that “over 60 percent of divorces are initiated by women in their 40s, 50s or 60s”. The impact of this period of change can be serious for couples!
There’s also not great support and education for partners of perimenopausal folks to understand and navigate together what’s coming down the pike. Improved education for both partners about menopause and its impact on day to day life can help couples weather the storm together.
What is perimenopause?
Perimenopause is the period of time, usually over a span of years, when a menstruating person’s body (usually women, but not always) makes the transition to menopause. Menopause marks the end of the reproductive years.
During this time, hormone levels, like estrogen and progesterone, fluctuate, menstrual periods may change, and people experience symptoms of menopause, like hot flashes, sexual dysfunction, or sleep disturbances. When a person has gone 12 months without a menstrual period, they’re considered to be in menopause. These changes usually start for people with uteruses in their 40s, but some people experience an onset of symptoms earlier or later.
Hormonal changes during aging aren’t reserved for women, either. Men also experience a decrease in hormones like testosterone, but the shift is much more gradual than it is for women, taking place over a period of decades rather than years.
What does perimenopause impact?
As you can imagine, major shifts in hormones can have a big impact on your day to day life. The changes in your body that happen during perimenopause can lead to symptoms like:
Digestion problems
Changes in hormone levels can slow digestion and even impact the bacteria in your gut, which can lead to digestive problems like bloating, indigestion, diarrhea, constipation, gas, and nausea.
Sensory changes
Changes in your senses, such as smell or taste, or even your vision, which can easily be overwhelming.
Issues with sexual functioning
Some women may experience vaginal dryness, and/or thinning of the vaginal walls which can make sex uncomfortable. Many experience lower libido during perimenopause. Increasing foreplay and using lube can help. Talk to your doctor and your partner about these changes.
Problems regulating temperature
Hot flashes are one of the classic symptoms of menopause, which can impact sleep and mood.
Mood swings
Some women may experience mood swings, anxiety, or depression during this period.
Sleep disturbances
Hot flashes can cause sleep disturbances and can lead to increased irritability. Lack of sleep can also worsen mood disorders, like anxiety and depression.
Appearance
Hair and skin may change, becoming more dry and reducing elasticity. Hair may become thinner or less shiny. Changes in appearance can impact confidence and self-esteem.
Aches and pains
Hormones like estrogen play a role in lubricating our joints and preventing inflammation, so lower levels can mean joint pain and muscle aches.
Bladder issues
Increased incidence of UTIs can be an issue in perimenopause, which can be exacerbated by sex. Talk to your doctor and your partner about these changes.
Changes in cognitive functioning
Brain fog, where you experience lapses in memory and concentration, is common during perimenopause.
There’s a lot going on during perimenopause, and balancing all of this change with all of your other responsibilities is a lot to manage. It’s no wonder that many relationships struggle during this period as everyone adjusts.
What gets in the way of relationship connection as we age?
As we get older, things change, and change can get in the way of relationship connection. Some of the things that can impact relationship connection as you and your partner get older include:
- Changes in our bodies and abilities
- Insecurities about changes in sexual functioning or bodily changes
- Stereotypes that older people aren’t sexual
- Impact of medication on sexual functioning
- Physical illness that requires caretaking
- Loss of identity after retirement
- Loneliness
- Cultural stereotypes that men aren’t supposed to be emotional
- Misunderstandings about body changes, like menopause
- Increased frustration about changing relationship dynamics
All of these can exacerbate the negative cycle in your relationship, which leaves you feeling stuck in a state of conflict that won’t end. Perimenopause is a period of time where many of these obstacles to relationship connection come up, so it’s helpful to prepare yourself for them.
Addressing the negative cycle in the bedroom
As Emotionally Focused Couples Therapists, we draw on attachment theory when working with couples. John Bowlby, also known as the father of attachment theory, identified three main motivational behavioral systems that we experience: the attachment system, the sexual system, and the caregiving system. At the beginning of relationships, sex can help build attachment bonds with the other person. Sex tends to influence the attachment bonds we feel in relationships, though it often becomes less of a focus as we age (and there’s more of a focus on caregiving).
Changes in sexual functioning can have a big impact on relationships, because sex is one of the ways that we bond with our partner. You might find yourselves stuck in a negative cycle when your sex life goes through a shift.
An important aspect of interrupting the negative cycle is understanding the attachment needs underneath the conflict. For example, an argument might be about differing libidos on the surface, but underneath it might be about feeling like you are unlovable because of what you’re going through. On your partner’s side, they might feel rejected, even if they know logically that you’re going through something physically and mentally draining.
Understanding what’s going on underneath the conflict can help you feel more empathy and compassion for each other. Talking about these tender feelings, instead of getting stuck in a cycle of reacting to them, helps bridge the gap between you. It’s tricky to talk about sex without getting drawn into another conflict, because it’s a sensitive topic that pushes on our attachment fears. Working with an experienced couples therapist allows you to have these conversations in a safe, supported space.
How can we support each other through perimenopause?
It’s inevitable that we will change as we get older, and that means that our relationships will change too. Perimenopause is a big change that couples experience, but they’re not always prepared for it, which makes the experience more difficult and conflict more likely. If you’re wondering how to support your relationship while you or your partner is experiencing perimenopause, here are some places to start:
Lean on your shared history
In long term relationships, the sense of shared history between the two of you can help to support your connection as you age. In addition to your shared history, you also have the advantage of years of emotional intimacy under your belt (even if things weren’t perfect all of the time). The foundation you have been building for years can help support you during this period of change.
Prioritize communication and having hard conversations
One of the trickiest pieces of menopause is that, unless your partner has gone through it, or is going through it as well, it will likely be difficult for them to understand what’s going on for you physically and mentally. Communicating what’s going on might lead to conflict, but it’s essential to not ignore what’s happening and hoping things will fix themselves. Couples need to communicate about these changes and make adaptations where they’re able to. It’s important to talk about what’s going on, physically and mentally, without fear of shame or judgment.
Offer empathy and compassion
Even if talking about these changes are hard, what can help is showing compassion and empathy in both directions as partners. Can you and your partner be empathetic towards one another as you communicate about the impacts of perimenopause symptoms? You don’t have to get what they’re going through to offer empathy and a loving shoulder to lean on. You can even be really frustrated with your partner and offer them empathy. Offering this slice of compassion can help shift the conflict and help you see where they are coming from, and vice versa.
Do the work to educate yourself
For the partner not experiencing perimenopause, learning what you can about this life stage is important. Even if you can’t relate physically to what’s going on, it’s still an important way to get to know your partner and see the world through their eyes. Learning more about what they’re going through can help show them that you care about them deeply, and want to understand their experiences. Ask questions about what they’re feeling. Show your partner that you care to know about their inner world and their point of view.
The upsides of perimenopause
While it might seem wild to believe there are benefits to perimenopause, there are some positive aspects to consider. Perimenopause is an opportunity to get to know your new body in this phase of your life. Our bodies are always changing, and menopause is no different. While the change might be uncomfortable, it’s still an opening for you to get to know your body and what it needs in this new phase of life.
Perimenopause is a time of transition which can impact both our personal growth and our relationship growth, if we are appropriately resourced. This means educating and preparing, both on your own and as a couple, for what’s coming, so you have an idea of how you’ll approach it together, as a team.
Perimenopause can also be a time to refocus on your relationship and sexual connection. Perhaps they physical changes can open the door to talk about sexual satisfaction and how you can meet each other’s needs as you experiences changes.
Also, it’s okay if you don’t find every moment of perimenopause empowering or transformational. There are going to be moments, perhaps many of them, where you feel frustrated, discouraged, or misunderstood. When you notice yourself in that place, don’t beat yourself up about it. You’re allowed to feel the way you feel. Just know that that feeling won’t last forever.
